Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
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