SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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