just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
