Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
