And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
