awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So many bounce houses so little time
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The chlamydia really affected his face.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
