you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
