My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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