My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
