he puts the penis in happiness.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
