i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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