I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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