mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s