Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.