3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day