If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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