i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
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this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
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I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.