Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
