I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
