I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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