I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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