i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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