if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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