the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
