WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
