I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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