apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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