My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
