Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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