True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
