Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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