I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
