Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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