A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
