where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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