I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
