My entire life is one complicated drinking game
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
