but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
