That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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