The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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