Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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