I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So squirting runs in the family.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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