you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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