New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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