There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
