I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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