put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
