literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
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I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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