I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
