I can text with my tongue
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
