I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
