I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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