mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
