its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
