seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
