epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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