I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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