thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
