Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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